When Snoop was visiting at the kennel he was notorious with the staff for being a head banger- he would indiscriminately toss his head and unintentionally cause many split lips and bruised chins (! ) while playing with those members of the staff whom he missed while he and I were in NY. Even Mommy exercised caution when close to Snoops 'Happy Head". However when he was just cuddled up at home relaxing and a bit drowsy was a completely different story. Then I was able to rest my cheek flat on the top of his head and found great comfort there during numerous naps. We would both sigh deeply and fall asleep, each secure and happy to be with their best friend. I was always deeply honored and still ponder the scope of their ability to communicate so clearly with us.
During our last 36 hours Snoopy let me know he was right with me through all the changes, attempted adjustments, heart wrenching realizations and eventual decisions that had to be coped with. I will always be in awe of how much I learned from Snoopy about him, me and just ...things. Through a grace filled event ( made possible by you Barrie ) Snoopy and I were able to fall asleep together as described one final time the night before he passed.
However, despite both how precious the memories of our last night always will be to me as well as the fact that I miss and think of Snoop every single day I have avoided even a thought about this since the afternoon he left. Each time it might have happened I closed a door on it. I realize now that I feared that any direct contact memory of him would only further highlight his absence, which would be more unbearable. So I just 'generally' missed Snoops presence all the time....no words had been found ( no matter how many times his ' Daddy" asked me ) to write about my boy. I didn't expect much to change.
But it did.
In those moments between sleep and waking I realized that I had, in my dreams slept next to Snoop, my head resting on top of his beautiful skull .Safe and sound. It seemed so real.....which explained the peacefulness that I woke with. Moments later and fully awake I knew I had to face the dream and find out how bad the fallout was going to be. After all the unthinkable had happened and it was so real. It seemed he was there curled up next to me just where he had always been for never enough years. It was actually the opposite of bad in terms of fallout. This sudden transition has brought a peacefulness that feels lasting. My memories of Snoop no longer evoke fear of an abyss. Now my memories of Snoopy are a comfort to me as he was all of our days together. I don't know why it took till now for me to be able to speak about Snoop but what I can say is....this was worth the wait. It would have helped if I could have known that one day the sting of the loss would lessen a little and that I would see that this did not diminish his absence but allows me to celebrate his life.
I hope this is a fortuitous beginning for all of us who will become part of these pages. We , who will show up with our photos, stories and memories to be sure that our furchilds history will be set down somewhere. To note their sweetness ( or not !! ), their abilities as well as their ' special' side and the 'talents' that made each of them a forever heart memory . I'd like to thank you for allowing me to share with you a little about my boy and our remarkable journey together.
As I am the first documented member I would also like to welcome you to our special group. We share the common thread of loss but beyond that we are, well, us. We will arrive here from a dizzying variety of professions, locations and lifestyles. Each will enter from their own unique place /perspective on this path. For some, like me, this will be the first personal furchild loss while others may tell their memories of ones they shared their lives with twenty or thirty years ago. Despite what our membership here is based on we are not limited. I can see all of us creating a compassionate place that offers a moments rest for those who grieve and insight for all of us but that this is also a place to celebrate- in all forms- notes, poems, police reports, songs ( hey, ya never know ), photos , sketches-whatever we would like to share. We've been offered a fairly broad opportunity; we can't go wrong. I hope you will join me soon.